Post by Elder Gohan on Dec 25, 2016 3:12:43 GMT -5
Christmas is just two days away, Seymour Guado has given everyone the night off, except for me & the office staff of course. I guess you get to listen to me read fan mail then, here goes...
-Dear SWC:
Why can't I make friends? I bought these sandals that look way cool, but now no one will talk to me. Please help me!
- Dylan Yobtaf, age 12
Well Dylan, stop being such a dickhead about your sandals.
-Dear SWC:
If I commit minor crimes while wearing an SWC T-shirt, will I get away with it?
- A concerned citizen
How minor are we talking? Taking a child's curly wurly or sticking two fingers up at a pensioner? Either way you can try.
-Dear SWC:
If you had all day at the beach what would you do?
- Vikki, from Kent
I'd pave it.
-Dear SWC:
Aliens have stolen my car! Can you help?
- Anonymous
Was it a blue Ford Fiesta? Because you were doing at least 90 last night, you got arrested & your car has been crushed. I'm also assuming you were high as a kite as well.
-Dear SWC:
Don't sign up to the Tesco dating service, you'll end up with a bag for life...
- Rodney, Chesterfield.
Good one!
-der swwcceo lol
y wnt u mak me a gd wreslers i i wel gd n i wnt to b da champ lol
- rey lol
What have we told you? No! now stop asking!
-Dear SWC:
*This appears to be homemade porn with SWC superstars faces crudely cut & pasted on*
- Anonymous
Send us this again & we're calling the police. You need help, although I like how you tried to make me look fatter...
-Dear SWC:
Why don't you do many events in Grays anymore?
- John, 50
Because it's a dirty, grimy Jer riddled shithole. Even the "beach" is an eyesore, if the Koreans could nuke one place on earth, it looks like they already did Grays.
-Dear SWC
My wife left me, I've lost the house & kids, I have a gambling habit & I have no wrestling experience but I watch SWC on the telly, I can also shit a better wrestler than Martin. Can I have a job?
- Ian, hopeless.
Just hand your CV in at the front desk, just hand it to Carol Beer
-Dear SWC
Have you been mis-sold PPI? Now is the time to make a claim!
- Gladstone Brookes
Are you serious? Would it shock you if someone told you they WERE mis-sold PPI?
Dear SWC
*This is just a takeaway leaflet, infact hundreds of takeaway leaflets. One is from 2001 & that closed down years ago.*
- Keith, leaflet collector.
You're single aren't you? OK, I apologise to the homemade porn guy because this is now the weirdest thing we've been sent. Good going mate.
Dear SWC
Can you get me a date with Stacey Clemmon, because I'm a wrestler too & we even wrestle for the same company!
- Martin
Stacey says: "No chance in hell, I'd rather date the guy from the last letter & I have a boyfriend already."
Never use the fan mail line again, there will be consequences
Alright, last one. I hope it's not a weirdo...
Dear bastards
I HOPE YOUR COMPANY GOES UNDER YOU BUNCH OF ARSEHOLES, GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY YOU IGNORANT SHITS OR I'LL SUE YOUR SHIITY COMPANY TO THE STONE AGE. YOUR COMPANY DOES NOTHING BUT BULLY & INTIMIDATE GOOD PEOPLE WHO PAID TO WATCH A PERFORMANCE & ALL WE GOT WAS VIOLENCE & PORNOGRAPHY! HOW DO YOU DEGENERATE WANKERS SLEEP AT NIGHT, SWINDLING THE GOOD FOLKS WHO PAID TO WATCH EASTENDERS! IN MY DAY WE NEVER HAD SUCH SMUT ON TV! ARSEHOLES, GO FUCK YOURSELVES!
- Lesley aged 43
You do realise you can choose not to watch our show right? Also you went into OUR bar & threw a bitchfit because we were watching SWC & wouldn't put on Eastenders, did you not see the NEON SWC logos all around you? You then tried to get our barman fired because you wanted to watch said show, unaware that he is my cousin. Now you send us this threatening letter? TRY US, our legal team will wipe the floor with you. Do not watch our shows, do not attempt to boycott or picket our shows & finally, your child was winding up the wrestlers all night, his language for a 7 year old was frightening, hence why Gentleman Jim grabbed him by the collar, your son called Jim's mother a 'whore' so Jim just lifted him up & the boy cried.
PS, Eastenders is shit.
Well that's enough fan mail for a year, thanks for your contributions & thoughts. Also, SWC returns on christmas day. Now to run adverts, disaster footage & softcore porn!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
-Dear SWC:
Why can't I make friends? I bought these sandals that look way cool, but now no one will talk to me. Please help me!
- Dylan Yobtaf, age 12
Well Dylan, stop being such a dickhead about your sandals.
-Dear SWC:
If I commit minor crimes while wearing an SWC T-shirt, will I get away with it?
- A concerned citizen
How minor are we talking? Taking a child's curly wurly or sticking two fingers up at a pensioner? Either way you can try.
-Dear SWC:
If you had all day at the beach what would you do?
- Vikki, from Kent
I'd pave it.
-Dear SWC:
Aliens have stolen my car! Can you help?
- Anonymous
Was it a blue Ford Fiesta? Because you were doing at least 90 last night, you got arrested & your car has been crushed. I'm also assuming you were high as a kite as well.
-Dear SWC:
Don't sign up to the Tesco dating service, you'll end up with a bag for life...
- Rodney, Chesterfield.
Good one!
-der swwcceo lol
y wnt u mak me a gd wreslers i i wel gd n i wnt to b da champ lol
- rey lol
What have we told you? No! now stop asking!
-Dear SWC:
*This appears to be homemade porn with SWC superstars faces crudely cut & pasted on*
- Anonymous
Send us this again & we're calling the police. You need help, although I like how you tried to make me look fatter...
-Dear SWC:
Why don't you do many events in Grays anymore?
- John, 50
Because it's a dirty, grimy Jer riddled shithole. Even the "beach" is an eyesore, if the Koreans could nuke one place on earth, it looks like they already did Grays.
-Dear SWC
My wife left me, I've lost the house & kids, I have a gambling habit & I have no wrestling experience but I watch SWC on the telly, I can also shit a better wrestler than Martin. Can I have a job?
- Ian, hopeless.
Just hand your CV in at the front desk, just hand it to Carol Beer
-Dear SWC
Have you been mis-sold PPI? Now is the time to make a claim!
- Gladstone Brookes
Are you serious? Would it shock you if someone told you they WERE mis-sold PPI?
Dear SWC
*This is just a takeaway leaflet, infact hundreds of takeaway leaflets. One is from 2001 & that closed down years ago.*
- Keith, leaflet collector.
You're single aren't you? OK, I apologise to the homemade porn guy because this is now the weirdest thing we've been sent. Good going mate.
Dear SWC
Can you get me a date with Stacey Clemmon, because I'm a wrestler too & we even wrestle for the same company!
- Martin
Stacey says: "No chance in hell, I'd rather date the guy from the last letter & I have a boyfriend already."
Never use the fan mail line again, there will be consequences
Alright, last one. I hope it's not a weirdo...
Dear bastards
I HOPE YOUR COMPANY GOES UNDER YOU BUNCH OF ARSEHOLES, GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY YOU IGNORANT SHITS OR I'LL SUE YOUR SHIITY COMPANY TO THE STONE AGE. YOUR COMPANY DOES NOTHING BUT BULLY & INTIMIDATE GOOD PEOPLE WHO PAID TO WATCH A PERFORMANCE & ALL WE GOT WAS VIOLENCE & PORNOGRAPHY! HOW DO YOU DEGENERATE WANKERS SLEEP AT NIGHT, SWINDLING THE GOOD FOLKS WHO PAID TO WATCH EASTENDERS! IN MY DAY WE NEVER HAD SUCH SMUT ON TV! ARSEHOLES, GO FUCK YOURSELVES!
- Lesley aged 43
You do realise you can choose not to watch our show right? Also you went into OUR bar & threw a bitchfit because we were watching SWC & wouldn't put on Eastenders, did you not see the NEON SWC logos all around you? You then tried to get our barman fired because you wanted to watch said show, unaware that he is my cousin. Now you send us this threatening letter? TRY US, our legal team will wipe the floor with you. Do not watch our shows, do not attempt to boycott or picket our shows & finally, your child was winding up the wrestlers all night, his language for a 7 year old was frightening, hence why Gentleman Jim grabbed him by the collar, your son called Jim's mother a 'whore' so Jim just lifted him up & the boy cried.
PS, Eastenders is shit.
Well that's enough fan mail for a year, thanks for your contributions & thoughts. Also, SWC returns on christmas day. Now to run adverts, disaster footage & softcore porn!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
